For some reason the last few weeks have felt difficult. Life has just felt harder than normal. I don’t know why; I can’t pinpoint anything that is different. It is just a feeling, I guess. A down swing.
The other night I ran across some old pictures of early university days. I can’t believe how young we all look! I can deal with high school being so far away, but Uni, that was just yesterday, right? I felt a surge of vertigo, looking at them, at how far away I am from who I was then.
I don’t know what the me I was then would think of the me I am now. On the one hand, I think I am a much nicer person than I was back then, less self-centred. And I think I am much stronger, which I guess comes with age for most of us.
On the other hand, life is lonelier. I miss the camraderie of those days. Maybe friendships were easier to come by then; people were less defined, young and life was simple. We talked a lot of crap, too, but we didn’t mind because we were all young and stupid. I don’t miss that life; I am happy for the knowledge that has come with age, and the more calm, settled existence I have now. But there is always a trade off I guess.
When I was younger, people were always the most important thing in my life. They still are, but they’ve become more distant as my life has become more solitary. I don’t know what that means. Some days it doesn’t bother me, other days it feels like I have lost something of who I was. Some days it feels as though I have grown; other days it just feels as though I have lost my bearings.
Part of it too is my experiences in recent times with conflict with people, and the fact that my faith and trust in other people has been shaken a bit.
I don’t know what the answer is. Try to ride out the low moments. Focus more on the happy things in my life, of which there are many. Try to find things to give my life direction again. Try to re-engage with people as openly and honestly as I can. Here are some of the things I brainstormed as aims for the next year:
- To be stronger inside
- To be more independent
- To not bitch or gossip about anybody
- To keep negative thoughts to myself more often
- To share more positive thoughts
- To think before I speak more often
- To be less of a burden on the people I love
- To be as kind a person as I can be
- To be part of the solution rather than the problem
To keep fighting, as always, the fight against sadness and negativity, and to find more and more ways to be a happy person.