An Open Letter to Everybody writing an Open Letter to Somebody on the Internet

Dear Miley, Sinead, Amanda et al,

How are you? I am quite well. I am finally over that stomach thing that was going around. My last few visits to the bathroom were quite firm and shapely, and haven’t felt nauseous for a good few days. But thank you for your concern. I hope your thing is healing nicely.

In regard to your recent correspondence, all I can say is that I completely agree with all of you. It is excellent that we have finally got all this out in the open and there are no more secrets between us. I can’t tell you how much it was weighing on my mind the last few months, knowing that Sinead was bottling things up and Miley might be misreading her silences and that Amanda and Sinead didn’t seem to be speaking as often as they had been, which is fine sometimes, as long as it’s not a sign of the decay of a relationship. But the recent discussion has reassured me that we are all still on the same page and that we all understand one another completely.

My favourite part of the whole discussion has been the way we have all managed to write about the need to accept one another for who we are, while simultaneously judging one another’s actions with no apparent irony. I know some (I’m looking at you, Sting) have been privately critical of this, but I think it’s a good thing. Surely none of us will ever feel completely good about ourselves until everything we do is critically dissected and belittled in public discourse.

I think we have, at any rate come to agreement, and I’ll summarise the end result of our discussion, for your reference. (a) No she shouldn’t. (b) Yes she should. (c) I don’t know, you should ask him. (d) Hot pants with ugg boots. (e) It depends on the weather when we are all there. If you could each countersign then I will mail you all a copy.

I am happy to do dinner on Thursday, but Amanda could you please pick up a garlic bread, and Miley could you please bring something for desert?

Anyway, please let me know how you are all doing, and whether this is suitable. Please skype me publicly if there are any questions.

Your friend as ever,


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