Seems to be the hardest word

A lot of debate around the online world seems to be about apologies. Demands for them, refusals to give them, analysis of them when they do come, acceptance or rejection of them, debate about the wording, and further apologies or further rejections.

It’s natural to see something powerful in an apology. We all yearn to be heard, and fear invisibility or the powerlessness of not being listened to. And an apology is like an affirmation of our sense of self, of what we believe. We state the way that we believe the world is; and an apology is an acquiescence or affirmation of that.

I tend to think one of the reasons apologies are so hard to come by is that their meaning is fuzzy. Does “I’m sorry” entail taking responsibility, is it an admission of fault or guilt? Is it merely an expression of regret? “I’m sorry you feel that way” is usually seen as a half-apology at best. But even if we get a more full apology – “I’m sorry for my actions”, what does that mean? Does that necessarily imply responsibility, or merely regret? Are you apologising for your intent? Does your intent even matter? Or if you are apologising for the effect, does that mean your apology is divorced from your intent? 

I think the reason people often baulk at apologising, is that they aren’t clear on exactly what kind of apology is desired, or acceptable. 

We are often let down by apologies when they do come, because they don’t address the issues we hope them to, in the terms we want. Our need or desire doesn’t match what the apologiser sees as appropriate. So we get angrier.

Or maybe the apology covers the ground we hoped it would. We applaud it. Good apology. Nicely apologised. Maybe a tiny part of us wonders whether they “got it” or whether they just happened to say the right phrases, to capture the vibe they knew we wanted. Was it genuine remorse, or good PR?

I am thinking more and more that things would be simpler if we avoided the whole apology question altogether. That instead of asking for an apology, we actually stated what we wanted the other person to address. Or clarify; often we are hoping to understand their actions. 

I’m not saying an apology can’t be heartfelt and help mend a relationship. It can; if nothing more than for its ability to say “I’m willing to put aside my pride for a moment and reach out to you.” But it’s not really where true understanding lies. Too often it just makes us more confused.

I think we have a wish for simple answers, that the hurt inside us can be answered by a simple expression of apology. That in some narrative structure, we can go from point A to point B in our character development by achieving that closure; the other person demonstrates that they have learned their lesson and we are healed and we all move on happy.

In real life it’s not so simple. Apologies cloud the water, they frustrate us and they dissatisfy us by not coming when they should and not being addressed in the terms we yearn for. People don’t learn a simple lesson and amend their ways; people are more complex than that. Something you say to someone won’t change their mind in the heat of the argument; more likely they will chew it over for five years before shifting their point of view, based on a hundred similar discussions. 

And anyway, who among us really understands what any of us ever means?

Anyhow, that’s my theory on apologies for this week. If it offends anyone, I’m deeply sorry

I can call you Betty and Betty when you call me you can call me out

Thanks to Russell Blackford for linking to this really interesting article on Calling out. I found it really thoughtful, especially the last two sections, and even moving.

I don't have anything to add but to quote from it verbatim. Please follow the link if you want to read the whole thing.

Call out culture, a phenomenon that casual readers might not even notice, is to me, the most toxic aspect of blogging. Not because it is set to correct wrongs and engage in meaningful ways to actually enact change. No, call out culture is toxic because it has developed as a tool to legitimize aggression and rhetoric violence. Its intent, at the root, is seemingly positive. Constructive even. It works more or less like this: I say something ignorant. Perhaps I make a statement that can be constructed as bigoted or maybe “problematic”. A favorite word in call out culture, problematic is more often than not, used to mean “I didn’t like it” or alternatively, “I disagree with you”. But instead of saying you, the audience disagrees with me, you will call my statement “problematic”. And because we have established that we are at once consumers and producers of media content, you create a blog post or a tweet or a Facebook update “calling me out”. And more often than not, in your post, you tell your readers, other prosumers, to please join you in this call out. BECAUSE THIS IS A SERIOUS WRONG THAT NEEDS TO BE CORRECTED! Unbeknown to me, there are now ten posts in ten different blogs and social media platforms calling me a “BIGOT AND THE WORST PERSON EVER”. Each time, every one of these posts escalating in rhetoric and volume. Each new post trying to outperform the previous one in outrage, in anger, in righteousness. This performance of acrimony and reproach turns into the “pile on”. And I will have to apologize for what I said. At this point, since I am nervous and probably anxious because I am being called THE WORST PERSON EVER, my apology will not be stellar. I might dig a deeper hole even, because hey, I cannot properly articulate when I feel that I am under duress. I might, at this point, say something that is truly, really “problematic”, not just perceived as such, but, to put it in plain words, I might say something shitty. AND OMG at this point the “call out” will escalate out of proportion. Now I am not just THE WORST PERSON EVER but since we have established that I was “a known feminist blogger” (and if I wasn’t up to that moment, I am now because my name is all over the internet!), then, it will be known that I, on my own, HAVE RUINED FEMINISM FOR EVER. And I, alone, will be proof of ALL OF FEMINISM’S PAST FAILURES. FOR EVER.

Call out culture might, at times, dangerously resemble bullying. However, it is not exactly the same. It certainly shares its outcome, however, unlike bullying, call out culture is part of the performative aspect of blogging. Unlike bullying, a call out is intended for an audience.

And here’s the thing, on the surface, call outs are done “for good”. Of course shitty statements need to be challenged, nobody would deny that. Of course those who are hurt by shitty statements deserve to be recognized in their grief and deserve a sincere apology. But that’s not at the root of “call out culture”. The intent behind it, more often than not, is just to make the one initiating the call out feel good, more righteous, more indignant, a “better person”. In the end, the call out is not done for the benefit of a collective goal, it is done for entertainment and shocking value. Call outs are to blogging what Big Brother voting rounds are to reality TV: you have been found wanting and you are now expelled from the house. Because, of course, this is what is rarely mentioned, someone might be attempting to audition for your seat. Someone who thinks they are more righteous, better, more politically engaged than you.

And oh, how the audience loves these moments! They amplify them because at their root, they are perceived as “drama”, a word often used to described these situations. Someone will jump in and say it “There is so much drama going on with [person who blogs] right now!”. I find it telling that we use a word so deeply connected to performance, drama, to define the central repercussion of call out culture.

At its deepest, call out culture is unquestionably reductionist. It forces us to “take sides”, to pick a side and stick to it, or else, to be “called out” as traitors. Say I, as a Latina, an essential focus of my political identity, am also interested in Health Care rights, more specifically, in Mental Health issues. A blogger who focuses on Mental Health and disability rights made a bigoted statement about Latin@s. I generally love this blogger, but this one statement was really bigoted. Now, I will be forced to “pick a side”. I either stand with my fellow Latin@s (how could I not?) or I stand with the other Health Care activists who are not necessarily defending the shitty statement but trying to bring some much needed perspective into the whole affair. But no, I *must* pick a side and stick to it. Within the context of call out culture, I *must* show my allegiance to one cause and one cause only. Nuance and intersectionality be damned. Because, as we have established above, the person being called out is obviously “the worst person ever” and nothing they have ever said and nothing they will say from this point forward has any value whatsoever.

There is this taboo behind call out culture as well. Because those who have been at the receiving end of a call out and its most visible consequence, the pile-on, will not speak of what happened to them in the aftermath. They will silently hope that the “audience” moves on and forgets the whole affair, which has usually been painful and emotional. But to say something of the phenomenon might trigger a whole new round of abuse. It might initiate a new round of pile ons, and further call outs, and further re-enactment of outrage in a never ending cycle. And I suspect one of the reasons it is taboo to speak of what happened is because “call out culture” is perceived as being “owned” by the oppressed, in the sense that the people initiating these call outs will, of course, do so because “they are being oppressed” by the “problematic” statements. That, right there, obturates any possible discussion: who would deny that a person who is oppressed has the right to react to their oppression in an expeditious manner? Who will point at an oppressed person and say “you have no right to react to your oppression”? A “call out” is like the Godwin Law of Social Justice blogging, once it is initiated, there is no further discussion, engagement can only come in the form of some deep self flagellation and profuse apologies. And of course, I have seen some recurring names in regular and persistent call out episodes ALSO make truly shitty statements on unrelated occasions. Sometimes even bigoted and deeply prejudiced statements. And those will remain unchallenged because who would want to trigger a possible backlash? Thus, the taboo and silence behind the phenomenon. We call it “drama”, the prosumer audience amplifying it because hey, who doesn’t want to stand by the oppressed?! Who doesn’t want to be one of the good guys?!!

What is rarely pointed out is that a person can be at once oppressed and an abuser.

Human beings are complex creatures, not these receptacles of “good” OR “evil”. At once good in some aspects and gross in others. Simultaneously oppressed and oppressors. However, in this performative culture of blogging all of this subtlety is often obscured. You are either “one of the good guys” or “you are the worst person ever”. You play the role of “hero” or you play “the villain”. However, I must question this dichotomy because call outs, and the modus operandi behind them, the pile-on, can potentially kill people. The most virulent call outs can exacerbate existing PTSD. They can drive a person to severe episodes of anxiety and/ or depression, they can lead someone to feel isolated and suicidal. It is a toxic and destructive phenomenon, wherein blog post after blog post are made, each escalating in virulence. And Social Media amplifies the episode, with Tweets and Facebook status and comments left on the person’s blog and eventually emails. Private emails (more often than not anonymous) with further abuse and further diminishing and denigrating language, with invitations to kill yourself, to stop “polluting the world” with your presence If the blogger in question is queer, they will be purposefully misgendered; if they are non White, they will be de-racialized to erase their context and background; if they speak English as a second language (which might sometimes explain the reason why they used some icky words to begin with), that tidbit will be downplayed or just plain ignored; if they are working class or poor, their class struggles deliberately obscured or just completely obliterated (even in cases when the very same class and educational background could explain the originally “problematic” statement that triggered the call out to begin with). And again, I must insist on the insidious nature of this culture: who would dare say a thing about it when it is supposedly done against oppression? So the recipient of a call out is isolated (remember what I mentioned about being forced to take sides?), told by a crowd of prosumers who are fascinated by this “drama” that they are worthless, not even deserving of the air they breath.

And we, in the blogging community, cheer and applaud this behavior. Moreover, we actively take part in it. And if not, we remain silent because well, AGAIN, who would speak up against “fighting oppression”?

The Pressure to Consume

Every year it gets worse. I first started to feel it at Uni. There were more books to read than there was time to read them.

But it’s gotten worse every year since. More books get added to the pile, and fewer get completed. At times it feels like an uphill battle.

Since I started working it’s become a much bigger problem. Whereas before, my budget limited what I could add to my to-read pile, suddenly I had a lot more money and a lot less free time. And suddenly it was not just books. It was music. Where once I might have bought a new CD once a month or so, suddenly I was drowning in them.

Then I started reading short stories. And there were thousands of them! And it was part of my duty as an editor and wannabe-writer to read them all, to find out for myself where the good ones were. And I joined a group of people dedicated to reading every SF/F story published in the world during the year.

Sometime in there came the internet. With heaps and heaps of free music and free stories, not to mention all the blog posts, news sites, and social media sites to keep up with.

At some point I realised that I had fallen behind with all my favourite TV shows. I started a stockpile of DVDs to catch up on. Right after I finished rewatching all the Buffy episodes.

And then there were comics, with fifty years of back issues to catch up on. And more and more and more of all of the above.

And I just couldn’t keep up. And every year the pressure of all that *stuff* that I wanted to read/watch/listen to but couldn’t find the time to… all that pressure just built up like a weight on me. I started making spreadsheets to keep track of what I was consuming and all the things I had to get through. And although I wouldn’t say I stopped enjoying things… I still love a good novel or a good story or a good album as much as ever…. when I’m reading one thing I have to work triply hard to block out the clamour, the din, of all those un-consumed works of art outside my mental door, banging to be let in, saying “Me next! Don’t forget me! You don’t want to miss out on me… do you?”

And progress? My to-read pile is bigger than it was ten years ago. My iPod has more music on than ever before, but I struggle to listen to all of it more than once every month or two. I have read thousands and thousands of stories but I have forgotten most of them and every month there are hundreds more to read.

And at a certain point, I guess, you have to just… stop.

Books and music are my chief vices, but all around us, in whatever field you like to spend your money, it’s the same. We are surrounded by more and more choices, more and more things clamouring to be let into our lives. And there’s just not room for them all.

At some point you have to admit defeat. I am just not going to read all the books I would like to read. I am not going to have the time to listen to every interesting album that comes out. I don’t *want* to have to keep up with every short story ever written. I don’t want to have to keep a tight grip on my daily schedule, to manage my time strictly and with no room for spontaneity, just to try to keep up with it all. What does it even mean, to have kept up?

But it’s not easy to let go. I have made an effort over the last six months, to relax my grip, to allow myself to just be, to stop thinking about what is still waiting to be consumed, and to just enjoy what I’m reading/watching/listening to *now*.

But it’s hard. Oh how hard. A dozen times at least I have backslid, have pulled out my spreadsheets, have had a flurry of reading, have updated all my iPod playlists to see what music I need to listen to to have kept up this month.

And each time I have to say to myself, take your hand slowly off the spreadsheet and step away from the book stack. Take a breath. Accept that you can’t do everything. Accept that you can’t be everywhere, in every moment. You can’t experience it all. All any of us can hope for is to experience the one life that we have.

You can try to cram it all in. But all that really achieves is to take away from the experience you’re having right now. To distract you from enjoying the here and now by reminding you of all that is left to do. It doesn’t make you happy. And when will you have ever achieved it all? It’s not possible.

The most we can ever hope to achieve is to be here, now, present, as fully as we can. To give our attention as completely as we can to what we are doing at this moment. And to let go of the guilt, the pressure, of all that we must leave unconsumed.

The same could be said for our achievements.

It doesn’t come naturally, to me. But I’m working on it.

 

Music: Tuesday – The Hummingbirds

Some thoughts on 2012

So now that the obligatory best-ofs are out of the way, what did 2012 mean to me?

Overall, I’d say it was a great year. Probably the best I can remember.

A large part of that was due to having the chance to travel and see some of the world. People who’ve known me for years may laugh at that, because I have always been somewhat cynical about travel. But I can honestly say that it was the best experience of my life. Just being some place totally unfamiliar and having the chance to absorb and learn and experience it. And to do it alongside Jen and others we love. It was awesome.

I haven’t written much here about our trip, largely because I’m not sure how to put it into words. It was challenging at times. I read somewhere before I left about being an introvert and travel, and how it brings with it its own set of challenges. But I think I prepared myself well and was careful to take time out at times, I meditated every morning and I think that those things really helped to centre me. And as it turned out, I think I was probably happier and more “present” during our trip than I have felt for years. It really helped me to avoid over-thinking (one of my greatest flaws) and just go with the flow of the day, to be open to what was happening and just enjoy it. And I think for somebody like me that was an achievement. I set the goal for myself before I left to be a positive, calm and kind person on the trip, and I did my best to achieve that.

The next challenge has been to try to continue that after coming home. I have had some success and some setbacks, which is to be expected, I guess. But overall, I think that the trip helped to make me a happier, more confident person.

I’ve also been a lot happier at work this year. I have been acting in a different section at work, and have discovered that it *is* possible to have a workplace where people support each other, and are positive and kind, rather than stabbing one another in the back. Who knew?!!! Anyway for the first few months I was still tense and worried but gradually I have adjusted and I have discovered that it is possible to have a job without it making you feel miserable and constantly watching your back. So that’s a plus!

As mentioned, I have started meditating this year, properly, after flirting with it for years but never doing it properly. I wouldn’t say I’m in any way an expert at it, but I’ve at least made it into a habit, and I can honestly say it has made a huge difference in my life. I have really noticed a difference in how I approach my day and the way I deal with stresses. And the times when I don’t do it, I always regret it, because I can feel that equilibrium is lacking. Of course, you still have good days and bad days, whether you meditate or don’t. But it just sets me on a better platform to deal with the things that come along.

Some of my major goals this year were working on being more “present” and less in my own thoughts. I think I’ve definitely succeeded to some small extent, but I still have a long way to go. That’s just who I am; I’ve always been an over-thinker. There are benefits to that, and drawbacks. But I’m working on finding a greater balance and living more in the “now”. Part of that is having fewer expectations; about accepting the world as it is without wanting to bend it to the way I think it should be. Well, sometimes I still try to bend it (because I’m right, dammit!). But I’m working on it.

I have deliberately stripped away a lot of the goal-setting in my life over the last few years. Part of that was trying to be more available to the present moment, rather than always working toward some imaginary future. And part of it was trying to find more stillness and silence, to enable deeper thought and creativity. That’s something I’m still working on; it’s hard not to fill your time with busy-ness. And it’s natural, isn’t it, to want to read more, watch more, learn more! But I’ve learned that constant consumption tends toward shallowness of response, and I’m working hard toward allowing myself room for deeper reflection.

That can be challenging at times; like a lot of people, I have used busy-ness, in the past, to avoid being alone too long with my own thoughts. But as I’ve become happier and more centred, that’s something I have gradually become better at. Again, it’s a work in progress.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, too, and have read a lot of books this year about self-growth, or whatever you want to call it. Which sounds naff, but some of them have been really helpful. I have faced the fact that I am probably always going to be somewhat introverted and over-sensitive, and I need to find the best ways I can to manage living in that way, rather than comparing myself to other people who are more outgoing and confident. Again, easier said than done, and some days I still beat myself up about my lack of social skills, my inability to develop friendships and my apparently inexhaustible supply of ways to sabotage myself in social groups. But I try not to be too hard on myself; that’s just who I am, and nobody has all the answers. We all just manage as best we can.

One thing that I have learned is that if your intent is good, a lot of the other complexities in life just melt away. If you turn up, and do your best, then that’s all you can do. Yes, self-reflection is part of that. But you will never have all the answers. You can try to learn from any experience, but in the end all you can do tomorrow is turn up again, do your best again, and hope for the best.

Anyway, that’s probably enough self-analysis for me this year. Did I mention over-analysing?

I hope whatever physical and emotional events have shaped your year, that you have come through them stronger, wiser and kinder. May your 2013 be full of laughter, learning and love.

Peace out!

Favourite Comics of 2012

A lot of my reading this year was comic books. This was the first full year I’ve spent following comics for some time, and it was great to discover how many good writers there are out there.

Anyway, the books I particularly enjoyed and found well written this year were:

 

DC

Batwoman

Animal Man

Batman

Aquaman

JLA

Swamp Thing

Red Hood & the Outlaws

Wonder Woman

 

Marvel

All New X Men

Uncanny X-Men

Astonishing X Men

X Men: Legacy

Avengers vs X-Men

Wolverine & the X-Men

 

As you can tell, I have become a bit of an X-Men fan. I also really enjoyed reading some of the collections of seventies Chris Claremont written X Men. I intend to read more of those this coming year.

 

Favourite albums of 2012

(including a couple from late 2011)

The albums I really enjoyed this year were:

 

Wild Flag… Wild Flag (2011)

Yuck… Yuck (2011)

Hushabye Mountain… Stacey Kent (2011)

Let’s Go Eat the Factory… Guided by Voices

The Lion’s Roar… First Aid Kit

Old Ideas… Leonard Cohen

Tramp… Sharon Van Etten

The Stars Are Indifferent to Astronomy… Nada Surf

Renditions… Slow Moving Millie

Sees the Light… La Sera

Wasteland Companion… M. Ward

Kisses on the Bottom… Paul McCartney

Nightlife… Kate Miller-Heidke

Aufheben… Brian Jonestown Massacre

Electra Heart… Marina & the Diamonds

Chesapeake… Rachael Yamagata

Bloom… Beach House

Secret Symphony… Katie Melua

There’s No Leaving Now… Tallest Man on Earth

Class Clown Spots a UFO… Guided by Voices

Like a King… Danielle Ate the Sandwich

I Know What Love Isn’t… Jens Lekman

Emerald City… Knievel

Long Wave… Jeff Lynne

Transcendental Youth… Mountain Goats

 

What albums did you enjoy this year?

 

Books Read in 2012

I felt like I got nothing read in 2012, but looking back I read quite a bit, at least by my standards (slow reader). And I got three quarters of the way through War and Peace, which took a substantial chunk out of my reading time.

I found my reading drifted more toward non-fiction this year. I don’t know if this is a sign of getting old

Anyway, those in bold are the ones I would highly recommend:

Fiction

Sue Townsend, Adrian Mole and the Small Amphibians

Charlotte Bronte Jane Eyre

Sue Townsend Adrian Mole: The Wilderness Years

Penni Russon Only Ever Always

Ann Patchett State of Wonder

Julianna Baggott Pure

Hilary Mantel Bring Up the Bodies

Dave Eggers A Hologram for the King

Julie Zeh The Method

Sally Gardner The Double Shadow

Katy Stauber Revolution World

Hal Duncan Ink

Miyuki Miyabe Brave Story

Julie Czerneda Beholder’s Eye

Lee Child Killing Floor

Carlton Mellick III Warrior Wolf Women of the Wasteland

Katharine Kerr Daggerspell

JV Jones The Baker’s Boy

 

Non Fiction

Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now

B Allan Wallace The Attention Revolution

Rodd, James Wagner, Carter 12: The Elements of Great Managing

Leo Babauta The Effortless Life

Melvin McLeod (ed) The Best Buddhist Writing 2010

Daniel Goleman Working With Emotional Intelligence

Robin Sharma Leadership Wisdom from the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari

Lama Suraya Das Awakening the Buddha Within

Jonathan Safran Foer Eating Animals

Lodro Rinzler The Buddha Walks Into a Bar

John Pomfret Chinese Lessons

Bob Ellis Suddenly, Last Winter

Elaine Aron The Highly Sensitive Person

Dalai Lama A Simple Path

Joshua Fields, Ryan Millburn, Nicodemus Simplicity: Essays

Chloe Hooper The Tall Man

Sarah Gamble The Routledge Companion to Feminism

David Miche Buddhism for Busy People

Lieve Joris The Rebels’ Hour

Julian Baginni The Ego Trick

Juliet Barker The Brontes

Zadie Smith Changing My Mind

Richard Watson Future Minds

Philip Zaleski, Editor The Best Spiritual Writing 2012

Katharine Kerr Daggerspell

JV Jones The Baker’s Boy

Trent Jamieson The Business of Death